Wherein My Uterus Makes a Rather Awkward Re-Emergence Into Daily Discussion

So you remember way back when– back in those wild, reckless days– when Mitch and I got married, got tattoos (tatti? tattae?), when on a drinking tour of northwestern Minnesota (read: sat in our cabin and drank a lot)? And then remember how like, four days after that, we found out we were pregnant?

AND THEN do you remember how that pregnancy was awful and terrible and I cried a lot and had to be reminded to shower and brush my teeth, but still somehow got my act together and decided– hey– okay– okay– I guess– okay.

And THEN remember how the baby came, and she was beautiful, and then didn’t sleep for a year?

Well, apparently we forgot about all of that, because we decided to try to get pregnant this fall. Whenever I tell my other mom-friends this, I get one of two reactions. Either they are just SO EXCITED because Maren is just SO ADORABLE they can’t wait to see another one just like her. Or they look at me and say, “Have you lost your mind? Do you REMEMBER labor? THREE DAYS OF LABOR, ADRIENNE. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?”

I know. I have no defense.

So way back in February, I gave my left butt cheek the very good news that he (yes. My ass is man. Just ask every guy who’s ever checked me out.) had been granted a reprieve, and there would be no stabbing for a very long time. To celebrate, I ordered myself and my ass some ovulation checker-ma-jigs, and then sat back and waited for the little red flag that it was GO TIME.

Except…. no dice. It’s been months now, and I’m not even spotting. NOT EVEN. Its as if, after ten years of my uterus and I having a fantastic relationship, just because of this one little argument that I had with her (I guess my uterus is a woman), she’s decided she’s not speaking to me. Which is kind of shitty, considering that this argument is stemmed from the fact that I got pregnant unexpectedly, which I think most sources would say is her department.


So I went to the doctor, which I detest doing anyway, and asked her what was wrong. She gave me one of her doctor looks and then told me that she’s not surprised that we’re having trouble. Given my current condition (read: fat. Huge fat.) she said she’d be surprised if I could get pregnant at all.

Guys, has anyone ever said something like that to you before? I mean, what kind of fuckery is this? We spend our entire adolescence and early adulthood doing EVERYTHING WE CAN to AVOID pregnancy, and then we decide we WANT to get pregnant and there’s suddenly a complication? IS THIS REAL LIFE?

And so, Internet, I come to you grieving. It seems as though I am going to have to undergo one of those Dr-Phil-esque lifestyle changes, wherein I have to eat cardboard and tell everyone, “NO REALLY, it tastes SOOOOO good!” and whenever I think about ice cream I have to stick my finger in an outlet. And don’t get me started on exercise.

I’m on vacation this week at the cabin (back at the scene of the crime) and I am under orders from my Doctor to NOT get pregnant until I’ve lost fifty pounds. FIFTY POUNDS GUYS. THE METRIC EQUIVALENT TO ONE LINDSAY LOHAN. So, since most of my plans for this week are now useless (ahem), I guess I’ll be spending the time getting my head on straight to get my body ready to become Kingdom of Baby. Which means, probably, lots of drinking and crying. Great material for blogging, no?




Filed under Baby, Let's Be Besties

7 responses to “Wherein My Uterus Makes a Rather Awkward Re-Emergence Into Daily Discussion

  1. Cat

    I am definitely on the OMG WHAT side. 😉 But I would absolutely flat-out panic if I got pregnant. So ignore me.

    Have fun at the cabin! I still would like to do a Crazy Thing with you.

  2. LOVED. this. post. Not loving your challenging situation, but your unfolding of the story. I certainly hope you were drinking while blogging and thusly invented the work fuckery– and I now intend to add it to my vocabulary 😉

  3. Jess

    If I have learned anything about you from reading your blogs over the past year and a half, it is that when you really want something, you make it happen. I am excited for you and Mitch. My two cents (not that you asked) is that you should not drink a lot while on vacation, those are just calories you have to get rid of later, and then you will just have to cry more, totally not worth it (to me).

    • Jess– yeah, I’ve been taking it actually pretty easy on the calorie consumption this vacation. To some degree I’ve been living the dream. But it’s in the back of my mind…. one hundred pounds….. starts tomorrow. Ick.

  4. It is absolutely terrible how that doctor treated you. Large women get pregnant and have perfectly healthy babies all the time. The fat-shaming is utterly disgusting.

    Focus on eating properly and getting a normal amount of exercise. If your weight doesn’t go anywhere, tell that doctor where she can shove it and get pregnant anyway. If it’s not working, find a different doctor to help who won’t shame you for living in your body.

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